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Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.
The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.
The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.
Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge! | | |
| There's two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!" | | |
| A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left..... | | |
| A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What the hell was that?". He spots some $$$ on a table and takes it. .....Once again he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". The parrot said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". The parrot says "MOSES". The burglar says "What kind of person names his bird Moses??" The parrot replies: "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTTWEILER "JESUS". | | |
| Okay, this is going to be one of those unusual blogs, but I just needed to get this out. Bob Barker pissed me off today by totally screwing this lady over on The Price is Right.
So the contestants are bidding on this prize. Some old lady (oh, and I do mean OLD...92!) bid 925 on this item. The next lady bid 926 (a very common strategy)...but Bob Barker, with his bad hearing and all, heard 916. How the f*ck do you get 916 from 926?!? If this wasn't bad enough, the old lady won the bid-off and went on to get a chance to win a car. She didn't win it, thank god!
But this is not where it ends. She then goes on to win the showcase spin-off with a 70! She then goes on to win the showcase showdown (which included a jeep!) which my dad and I thought she totally overbid on.
Bottom line, that old woman did not deserve to win (I don't care if she's 92!), and Bob Barker...GO CLEAN YOUR F*CKING EARS!!!
On another note...good luck to those who are still writing their exams!..including me =( | | |
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